Navigating Bereavement: Embracing the Uncomfortable Journey

Once we cross the threshold into bereavement, everything changes. The world around us shifts, and so does our perception of it. In the midst of this profound transformation, we find ourselves grappling with an altered reality that feels both foreign and unsettling.

Some say that everything happens for a reason. This phrase often offers a semblance of comfort, a way to rationalize the inexplicable. It feels easier to explain difficult experiences with a neat, tidy reason behind them. Of course, it does. We're all human, and humans naturally crave certainty and control. The unknown is intimidating, and ambiguity can be paralyzing.

Yet, in our quest to make sense of our suffering, we sometimes fall into the trap of denying our true emotions. When we do not allow ourselves to fully experience our uncomfortable feelings, they become more daunting. By pushing them down and suppressing them, we inadvertently label them as "bad" or "wrong." This denial prevents us from acknowledging what is genuinely happening within us. Worse still, it stops us from confronting these emotions, which can lead to a buildup of unprocessed grief and pain.

In our efforts to avoid these feelings, we often adopt behaviors that are unhelpful. These avoidance tactics might provide temporary relief but ultimately hinder our healing process. The suppressed emotions grow stronger and more pervasive, making it increasingly challenging to navigate our bereavement journey.

So, what can we do? How can we move forward in a healthy, constructive way?

1. Acknowledge the Normalcy of Your Feelings: Recognize that these emotions are a natural part of being human. They are valid and deserving of attention. It's okay to feel scared, angry, sad, or even numb. These feelings are all part of the healing process.

2. Embrace the Uncomfortable: Understand that shitty things happen, and it's alright to feel upset about them. Give yourself permission to experience these emotions without judgment.

3. Find a Trusted Confidant: Seek out someone you trust to talk through your feelings. Sharing your experiences with a compassionate listener can be incredibly cathartic. It helps you process your emotions and gain perspective.

4. Allow Yourself to Feel and Let Go: By facing your feelings head-on, even the scary ones, you can begin to release them. This doesn't mean forgetting or moving on quickly, but rather, giving yourself the space to heal at your own pace.

5. Respond with Understanding: When someone tells you, "Everything happens for a reason," understand that they mean well. They may be trying to comfort you in the best way they know how. You can smile, look them in the eye, and say thank you, knowing that they intend to offer you support, even if their words don't fully resonate with your experience.

Navigating grief is a deeply personal journey. There's no right or wrong way to grieve. The key is honouring your emotions, giving yourself grace, and seeking support when needed. By acknowledging the complexity of your feelings and allowing yourself to experience them fully, you pave the way for healing and growth. Remember, you are not alone, and there is strength in facing the discomfort head-on.

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The Myth of "Time Heals All Wounds"

We’ve all heard the saying, “Time heals all wounds.” It’s a comforting notion, suggesting that all we need to do is wait, and eventually, our pain will fade. If only it were that simple. If time alone could heal us, wouldn’t it be easier just to go to sleep for a really long time, and when we wake up, we’d be healed? Unfortunately, it’s not time that heals us. So, if it’s not time, what is it instead?

The true path to healing lies in how we engage with our pain and sadness. When someone very close to us dies, we experience a multitude of emotions: anger, sadness, regret, shock, and loss. Beyond the primary grief, there are secondary losses as well—loss of identity, changes in our social positioning, and alterations to our family dynamics, to name a few. Each of these losses brings its own set of challenges and emotions that we must face.

Healing begins when we turn towards our grief and confront it head-on. By acknowledging and attending to our sadness and all the other feelings that accompany it, we start to process our loss. This conscious attention to our emotions, however uncomfortable, is what ultimately leads to healing.

Here are some ways to navigate this journey:

1. Show Up for Your Pain: Lovingly acknowledge all the emotions you’re experiencing. Allow yourself to feel anger, sadness, regret, and whatever else comes up. These feelings are a natural response to loss and deserve to be felt.

2. Understand the Many Facets of Loss: Recognize that grief is multifaceted. It’s not just the absence of a loved one, but also the changes in your identity, social roles, and family structure. Each of these aspects requires attention and adjustment.

3. Face Your Grief Directly: Turning towards your grief means not shying away from it. Look at your pain, acknowledge it, and give it the space it needs. This practice helps you become more comfortable with your emotions over time.

4. Invest Time Wisely: It’s not the passage of time itself that heals, but how you spend that time. Use it to process your feelings, reflect on your experiences, and seek support when needed.

5. Rely on Your Support System: Healing is influenced by the support you have, your resilience, and your life experiences. Surround yourself with understanding and compassionate people who can offer a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on.

6. Build Resilience Through Practice: As you continually practice giving your grief attention, you build resilience. This resilience helps you adapt to the changes and losses you’re experiencing, making the journey a bit more bearable.

By turning towards our grief and uncomfortable feelings, we create a safe space for healing. It’s in this deliberate attention to our emotional landscape that we begin to mend. Time alone doesn’t heal; it’s what we do with that time that matters. By investing our time wisely and facing our grief with compassion and courage, we find our way through the darkness and move towards a place of healing.

Remember, healing is not a linear process, and it doesn’t happen overnight. It requires patience, self-compassion, and a willingness to face the difficult emotions head-on. In doing so, we honour our pain and give ourselves the best chance to heal.